I don't have patience for the patient

My dad had knee replacement surgery last Tuesday and it's been interesting the last few days. I say interesting but really mean Oh My Fucking God Shoot Me Now! I've never had knee surgery so I don't know how much pain the patient can be in but I'm pretty sure my dad is milking it. His doctor told him that the average hospital stay is about 48 hours and some people actually leave after 36. Dad? 4 days.

When he was released on Saturday they administered his pain pills for the ride home (which was only 2 miles by the way.) During said ride apparently the meds weren't working all that well and during that 5 minute ride my dad suddenly bent over in his seat clutching his knee and said "Oh what a life I have...what a life."

Now normally I wouldn't have laughed at that but he totally said it like the Wicked Witch of the West said "What a World What a World" while she was melting. Needless to say neither my mom nor my dad were impressed with my sense of humor over the subject because I guess he wasn't really meaning to sound like a green melty bitch and when I tried to explain it...well, when you have to explain a joke it no longer is funny right? Thank goodness I was off to my high school reunion and missed his walk from the truck to the house because I had yet another inappropriate movie quote running through my head. This time from The Green Mile and I'm pretty sure neither of my parents would have appreciated me shouting "Walkin' the mile. Walkin' the mile." while my dad was trying to get into the house.

The days that have followed have been stressful for my mom because she has run up and down my dad's stairs so many times there are ruts in the wood. Dad calls the house phone from his cell phone to tell us he needs his pee mug dumped. You know what I mean right?

Pee Mug

 I asked him why he wasn't going to the bathroom that was located only about 7 feet from his bed.  He accused me of wanting him to be in pain. In his mind this is actually a viable argument. In mine it means I need to drink more Tequila.

Back to my mom. I would normally never expect her to handle all of his cell phone requests by her self except for one thing....Dad refused to wear clothes the past 4 days. I'm not talking about him refusing to wear a shirt or even pants...I'm talking about no clothes period except socks (his feet get cold I guess). I had to tell my mom that I couldn't stomach the thought of accidentally seeing my Dad's Dangler.

Today was special though. Dad was wearing underwear. Weird thing is he was wearing Tighty Whiteys. I didn't even know he owned a pair since we get him boxer briefs every year for Christmas and his birthday (yes were are those kind of gift givers.) Anyway, I ran up to ask him if there was anything I could help him with before I picked my nephew up from school this afternoon and noticed that he had his cell phone clipped to the waistband of his underwear. The mental picture is still just as funny as seeing it first hand by the way.

Me (while coming up the stairs): Dad are you dressed?
Dad: I'm decent. (ok that is a matter of opinion)
Me: (entering the room) Do you need anything before I go pick up.....
Me: Why is your cell phone attached to your underwear?
Dad: In case I fall while walking to the bathroom I can call someone for help.
At this point I'm blatantly staring at the half full pee mug
Me: Really?
Dad: (oblivious to my sarcastic question) Yes really. I'm a fall risk you know.
Me: Not if you don't get out of bed.
Dad: Go get your nephew!
Me: So Dad, yesterday when you were naked where did you clip your cell phone? 

At which point he turned the TV up to 'vibrate the floor it's so loud' and preceded to ignore me.

Just think, when he is all healed he is getting the other knee done! I'm so excited I could shit.