Does the Almighty grade on a Bell Curve?

Not being a religious person I think it's a valid question. Even if I were more religious then not I still think it would be an excellent question to pose to the Creator during his bi-weekly meet and greets over at the Pope's House. What? There are no meet and greets in the Vatican? Not to be a Debbie Downer or anything but maybe you just haven't been invited....hey, I'm just sayin'.

So, what do you think? Do those people walking around Earth who are neither good nor evil still get to spend their eternal life shaking hands with an Apostle on Wednesday afternoons because the bar is set low or not?

Having spent a good portion of my life striving for mediocrity I really need to know what the average is when it comes to good deeds vs. bad ones. Is it 3 good ones for every single bad one? Does it matter what type of good deed? I bet it does. Not only is my eternal soul essentially dependant on that one asshat that continually blows the curve all to shit but I have to know that helping an old woman across the street is worth more than holding the door open for the disgusting guy who scratches himself and then sniffs his fingers.

So here's another question....what if I want to give in to that random impulse to shove someone down the stairs? Is it better to do a handful of good deeds before or after to ensure that I'm not complaining about the sulfur stench and the heat for the rest of my afterlife? If I do the good deeds prior to the shoving will I get marked down for it being premeditated? Or is it ok to just go ahead with the dastardly deed and then kiss ass afterwards?

On The Official Scale of Evil Deeds (I'm sure there is one somewhere) how bad is helping someone down the stairs faster than their legs can move? For that matter where does not recycling the Sunday paper or letting your friend walk around for 2 hours with her skirt tucked into her underwear fall? Perhaps not completely evil but I bet your friend won't talk to you for the rest of the day which would lead to you not knowing that your boyfriend had called while you were at lunch to say that he wasn't going to be able to make dinner that night, which is why you'll end up still hungry at 11:30 and in your car running to Taco Bell  only to be a complete bitch to the order taker who usually will tell the order maker to add some "special sauce" to your burrito but instead he says "This is Bull Shit" and runs out of the joint...jumps into his car and speeds out of the parking lot only to run over a group of pre-schoolers on their nightly meth run. Hey this shit could happen...haven't you ever seen The Butterfly Effect?

Anyhoo if anyone has any answers or if you received the invite for the next Party at the Pope's could you just ask for me? I'd really appreciate it because I would like to get started on my People that Deserve to Get Help Falling Down the Stairs list.