Saturday, April 30, 2011

Pizza or Asian Hookers

For the last year my friend, BooBooKitty, and I have been eye-spying this "Coming Soon" pizza joint in our smallish city. For reals. It has taken the owners the better part of a year to remodel and open up.

 Being night owls BooBooKitty and I often would drive past to see if they were open or not and we always saw activity inside. At 4am. Seriously, they were "remodeling" at 4am. Allegedly.

It was one of those 4am drive-bys when BooBooKitty asked exactly how long does it takes someone to turn a run down pet store into a pizza place because he didn't think they were really in the pizza business.

This should be disturbing on several levels. Truth be told I was only concerned that all reptilian bodies were long gone before any form of tomato product was brought in. Thinking ahead I was terrified of ordering a pizza in the future and having snake pieces on it.

Reptile issues aside we figured they should have had it completed at least 6 months ago and they must be up to something nefarious. At which time we put our heads together and came up with a short list of things they must be doing instead of fixing up the joint so they could make BooBooKitty a fucking pizza. BooBooKitty is all about the pizza and gets a little irritable when unable to get his fix.

Our list was really short. It actually only had one thing on it because we really aren't creative people and really  are naive when it comes to nefariousness. So we decided that the "Coming Soon" pizza joint was just a front for Asian Hookers.

When that bright idea came to us we no longer had to think of other options. We totally knew it was Asian Hookers and just went with it.

So BooBooKitty said "Why don't you ask your mom about it? She still works across the street right?"

And I'm all like, "Shut the fuck up! My mom's not a hooker!"

At which BooBooKitty rolled his eyes and asked if I suffered a brain injury in my youth.

We did end up asking my mom if she noticed an Asian Hookers sneaking out the back door over there which she never answered. She just gave me that mom look that says "You are on my last nerve."

I see that a lot.

So, for months we drove past looking for the place to be either open or see some guy stumble out the door with a Happy Endings look on his face but we never did (those Asian Hookers are sly let me tell you). What we did see though on a couple of occasions was someone carrying a baby into the supposed pizzeria (at 4am). Which seems like a Hooker thing to do Right? But not necessarily a terrible thing, after all, spending time with your children is a good thing. Bringing your baby to Hook might just be a bonding experience for them.


So last night we went for the first time to the now open pizza place. It was rather anti-climactic. I didn't see even one Asian in the entire place. When we asked where they kept them they acted like they had no clue what we were talking about. I suspect we just didn't know the right Asian Hooker Code Word.

On the upside the pizza was good.



Friday, April 29, 2011

Online Dating Tip #1

Having been single now for a little more than a few years I thought maybe I would try some online dating. What I am actually trying is not to laugh at some of the things I see on some of the sites. This is Before any actual dating by the way.

I thought maybe I should document some of my findings. Kind of a What The Hell Were You Thinking? online dating tips.

First of all I have to say that I have yet to jump into the Online Dating Pool completely. I am more toe dunking. Just testing the waters so to speak. So, I have yet to actually go on a date. I think my problem is the weirdness I keep coming across when checking my messages and looking at profiles.

Ok, so let's get going on this.....

#1 Your Profile Picture.
Yes it is important to have one. Yes we are a superficial society and we judge by looks. It isn't right. We've been taught to judge what's on the inside. Frankly all that is on the inside is pus and blood so we go with what we can see first. It's the human way to do things. Especially when viewing Online Dating Profiles. Yes we all want to find that sensitive HeMan who will spout poetry to you and kill the spiders that invade your home but he better have a decent Profile Picture because that is what you are going to look at first before you read what the profile says.

This is an example of what not to have as your profile picture. I'm going out on a limb here but for the most part women are not looking for a hairy gun toting, guitar hero playing mostly naked man.  For that matter I don't know of any gay men who would be willing to wax this before tappin' it either.

 Now this is a hot profile picture. But don't fall for this one either people. This man does not exist on any online dating site. This is Hugh Jackman. If a man's profile picture looks like this, trust me, he probably has webbed toes and a third nipple.


Another Profile Don't. Capturing yourself sitting next to a pile of laundry wearing stained sweat pants and a dress shirt is also not a way to meet quality people.

Ok, well that was fun for me. Hope it was for you too. Next time I'm going to discuss the ever important profile. Mostly I am just going to list some shit I found on people's profiles and laugh at it. Should be a good time.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Do I take Risks? You know it baby!

Over at Studio Thirty+ the writing prompt of the week is Risk. I wasn't sure if I would participate or not. I mean I haven't participated so far even though I technically have been a member since the beginning of the year. Besides, I never take any kind of risks. Seriously. At least that is what I thought. I had to do a little brain storming about my risks, or lack there of, and realized I'm lucky to be alive. For reals. I should have bit the big one ages ago.

So for your reading enjoyment I bring you.....

Christina Vs. The Time Clock

Oh, sure. You may scoff. Time Clock Schmime Clock. What kind of risky behavior is that? Let me tell you. I play chicken with the time clock every single work day.

My day pretty much starts out the same everysingleday. I set my first alarm for 2 hours before I need to get up because I have somehow convinced myself that if I set it 2 hours before and wake up knowing I will have another two hours of sleep my brain and body will be eternally grateful for the psych out and reap the benefits of an additional 120 minutes of zzzzzzzs.

My second alarm goes off at noon. WTF? Noon? Don'tjudgeme I work nights and have insomnia. Are those violins I hear playing in the background? Whatever.

Anyway, my second alarm goes off at noon which I turn off and then it starts getting interesting and surprisingly enough mirrors the 5 stages of grief.
As I was saying, at noon, my second alarm goes off and I'm all "WTF? Is it really that time again? It can't be. I just went to bed." That's right y'all DENIAL.

Next comes Anger! "OHFORFUCKSAKES! Just another half a fucking hour! That's all I need. Fucking Black Eyed Peas and their I Just Can't Get Enough waking me the fuck up!" Yes, that's right ladies and well, ladies since I don't have any men following my little ol' blog, I swear a whole lot when I wake up.

So then I'm like, "Just another 15 minutes and I'll be good to go." which actually gets said 2 additional times. That's right, Fergie and the rest of the gang gets cussed out at noon, 12:15 and then again at 12:30. Don't worry about, they have thick skin and can take it. So if you aren't keeping track this is the Bargaining stage.

STAGES 4 AND 5: Depression and Resignation....At 12:45 I may or may not start crying. OK, mostly I do whine a lot and throw in a few tears in case someone is watching. I'm also resigned to the fact that I have to get up and get ready for work. I do not like it and think everyday that I should start my day off with a shot of Tequila with a Vodka chaser but I don't (not before I brush my teeth for sure....morning breath really ruins a good alcohol wake up call.)

So far I haven't outline much in the Risk department. I have outlined that I curse a lot, have questionable taste in music and could possibly be a future alcoholic, but wait there's more.....

Once I get out of bed I have 40 minutes to....
  • Use the restroom (nothing like that first pee of the day)
  • Make my lunch to take to work
  • Iron my clothes (just because I'm lazy doesn't mean I have to be wrinkled)
  • Shower
  • Dress (in wrinkleless clothes)
  • Make myself up the best I can (somedays I really could use some Bondo but just don't have time to sand it properly so I work with what I have)
Still not risky huh?

Next I tend to have 18 or 19 minutes to drive from my house to work and punch in. This is where the risk comes in. I'm usually a good driver. I never complain about the way I drive anyway so I must be better than average. For real. I complain about everything.

But anyway, something happens to me when I get behind the wheel when I am fixated on something. Especially when that something is beating the time clock. I honk obnoxiously at little children. I scream at old people with walkers. I tailgate anyone who happens to be in front of me. I flip off the short bus for no apparent reason as I pass them. It isn't pretty. I should be ashamed. I'm not though. Because this method makes me feel better about having to get the fuck out of bed and toe the line for the Man! Power to the People!

Oh so where was I? Oh yes. The drive to work. It can be scary and I would recommend that if you are in the area between 1:45pm and 2pm you just stay off the roads. But if you don't and happen to hear someone calling you an AssHat just ignore the crazy woman. She won't hurt you.....much.

Just so you know I drive to work going 75mph in a 55. It's totally true that if I go that fast on that stretch of highway which happens to only be 3 miles long I will get to work several minutes faster. Ok not really because mathematically speaking if you go 55 it takes approx. 3.3 minutes but if you go 75 it takes about 2.4 minutes which means I don't actually shave off even a minute by risking life, limb and moving violations but whatever, mind over matter people!

Next is finding a parking spot. The casino that I work at employs maybe 800 people. At 2pm I swear that Every. Single. Employee. Is. There. Taking up every single fucking parking spot worth anything. The only ones left are the 6 handicapped spaces and the one compact car spot that has nesting pigeons, um nesting over it. What's a girl to do? Park in the handicapped? Fuck no! That pisses me the fuck off (along with women who use the handicapped stall in public restrooms because they think their fat asses need breathing room. From one fat ass to another...leave that stall for those who really need it! Sorry went on a little tangent.)

So, I risk the paint of my little blue Nissan, run into the building, down 3 flights of stairs, up the long long long employee hallway only to see this....

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Satan (aka people who want my money) strikes again

So, it's been a bit of a bitch of a day. Sleep was interrupted by Sis who asked me to watch Lil' Princess so she could run and get the rest of the fam lunch. Never mind that it was noon (in my defense I don't fall asleep until 6am or later.) Then off I go to pick up my nephew (who would rather flip me the bird than say hi to me) from school only to get a phone call from him when I am a few blocks away telling me he was going to get a ride with his friend's grandpa. Thank goodness he actually did listen to me when I told him he better not even put one butt cheek into Bud's station wagon or I would download nothing but Barney onto his PSP-Go. Honestly, the fact that he listened to me is amazing because he really doesn't. Perhaps the threat of a Giant Purple Annoying Dinosaur is even enough for a 14 year old. I know it terrifies me.

My car is taking a serious crap. Ok. Not so serious. It still, mostly, starts the first try and isn't leaking anything important. I do, however, need new back breaks, have no shocks/struts to speak of, and I have something hanging down behind my drivers back tire area that scrapes at least four times every time I go over a bump (no shocks/struts remember?)

My dad was admitted into the hospital tonight because of an ongoing leg issue that has not healed for 6 months. That is another rant waiting to happen too by the way but not the topic of this post.

So, while I am sitting in my dad's hospital room helping the nurse with my dad's health history because after two shots for pain he was pretty out of it but was looking forward to the dancing girls who were scheduled to arrive at 8pm, I get a phone call from Satan (again).

After listening to an automated computer bitch telling me that I have an important call from Satan's Medical Clinic and that I should patiently hold while she connects the call unless I wasn't who I say I am then I should tell the real me to contact Satan's Medical Clinic at my convenience. Since I am who I say I am today and the real me did in fact answer my cell phone I held while the 2011 version of the new H.A.L connected me to Satan himself. Strangely enough Satan in now going by the alias Chris and sounds like he is from India. But then since all customer service representatives sound like they are from India no matter which company you call this doesn't really surprise me. You can never get help when you call those help desk numbers so it does logically connect that Satan is behind this....anyway, this is my phone call with Satan.....

Satan: Is this The Pretty Pretty Princess?

Me: Yes it.

Satan: Ma'am {it's heartwarming to know that Satan remembers my pet name...see Satan's First Phone Call} I'm calling about your outstanding bill to Satan's Medical Clinic. Your insurance paid most of the bill it looks like but you still owe one left nut. How will you be paying this tonight?

Me: Are you kidding me?

Satan: We {within the pits of Hell} don't kid.

Me: Really? What about Carson Daly?

Satan: At this time we {the makers of Murder, Mayhem and Liquid Ass Fart Spray} cannot comment about that. Now about this bill...

Me: You mean the bill that I received in the mail today...the first bill I have received from you period...the bill that is only for $83.92 and not for either the left nor the right testicle? Look I don't even have balls!

Satan: Yes Ma'am, if you cannot pay up the left nut at this time may I recommend our easy financial assistance program. We {at the human BBQ pit of eternity} have been very pleased with the progression of this program and do encourage all our clients to utilize this service....um....once.

(Satan then laughed in what probably should have been an evil laugh but sounded more like This)

Me: You know, I'll just take care of this tomorrow. Please don't call me again.

Satan: Um ok good, but are you sure you don't want to check out our financial assistance program?

Me: I'd rather not go down that road at this time...why don't you catch me later in life when I may hook up with a new aged cannibalistic cult bent on eating prebirth babies for breakfast.

Satan: Do you have an address for the leader of that cult?

Me: Um...no...I haven't met him yet but...um...I hear the word on the street is that...um...if any baby eating is going to go down China is the place to look.

Satan: Hmmmmm a form of population control maybe? I like it! So, I'll talk to you soon. Thank you for your time Ma'am. {that Satan, always has to get the last insult in every time.}
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On a higher note while random clicking on youtube I stumbled upon The Annoying Orange and it made me smile. So I leave the Orange with you and maybe it will make you smile too.