Super narrow minded of me, I know, but it is so true.
The other night I was skipping through my Netflix queue adding random crap here and there that I will probably delete next week because, lets face it, what looks good at 3 O'clock in the morning has a tendency to not look so good when you wake up the next day (that's what she said.)
So.......I was Netflix stalking some of my favorite hotties and found that one of my Australian hotties, Alex O'Loughlin, had a movie that I could watch instantly and after reading some of the reviews (actually just one of them) I thought "Cool Beans" (because I still love the 80's) and started watching Oyster Farmer.
Going to take a short break from my movie review here to give a brief bio on Alex just in case my two followers don't have a clue who he is.
So, the review I read that intrigued me enough to try this Australian film was another Netflix member's comments....
Ahem....copied without permission from the review of aod853850-- {snip snip} "But I didnt expect a full double n*de s*x scene complete with org*sm!" {unsnip snip}
Well, after I bought a vowel from Vanna I figured out "Holy Shit! Alex is neked!" So of course I had to watch it.
So misleading....so boring!
First I have to say that I felt like a complete Tard watching this film. I would have been better off had I used subtitles. Unfortunately as I watched if from the Netflix website I am not sure I had that option and if I did I am not sure how to go about getting subtitles and Good Gravy! why the hell would I need subtitles when Australians speak English is an excellent question. I could not understand a single freaking word most of those characters said.
Strike one: An Unexpected Language Barrier
The next point I need to make is that after watching the movie for an hour and not getting to see any nakey Alex I paused the movie and read some more reviews. Many of them loved this movie and pointed out the great humor. I think maybe I might have heard something that sounded like, "A wombat, a kangaroo and a croc walk into a bar" but honestly I can't be sure. The only really funny thing I found in this movie was when the dog ate the TV remote. When he farted the channel changed.
Strike Two: A curious lack of Funny
Point number 2.5 is related to those reviews. Many of them said they learned a lot about oyster farming. I watched them farmers farming them oysters and have to just assume that was what they were doing. One scene had a couple of men cracking a stick against a crud covered pole which knocked off the crud. Another couple scenes had a man walking on some square frames that were on top of the water that might have had oysters in them. Oh, one scene had a couple men hammering at rocks (or maybe oysters, not really sure but it could go either way). My favorite farming scene was when the main oyster farmer put all his oysters in their very own swimming pool and sat there staring at them. Then went out and kicked some man in the nards screaming about how they made his oysters spew. Or it could have been that the oysters blew (once again it could go either way).
Strike Two Point Five: Oyster Farming makes no sense to a girl from Iowa
Continuing on with those random reviewers and their unsolicited opinions (can they still be unsolicited if I sought them out?)...many also said that the scenery was stunningly beautiful. Granted many of the river scenes where Jack or Pearl (yes they really named the female love interest in a movie about oysters, Pearl) were motor boating through was lovely but most of the movie took place in local homes of the farmers. These homes tended to look like run down shacks and were so dirty (like needing a good scrubbing with some Clorox dirty, not Alex has a hot naked ass dirty) that just watching made me want to go bathe. Of course I spent a lot of time staring at the movie and it's scenery because I had tuned out the sound early on which actually made me feel better not having to multitask and all. (Hey, for someone who doesn't multitask well watching a movie and listening to it too qualifies as multitasking.)
Strike Three, Four and Five: 70 minutes into the movie still no neked Alex
I think perhaps Jack the hero of this Indie-Dramady might have been a victim of domestic abuse or maybe possessed (not by a hugely evil satanic demon but more of a minorly satanic trickster demon.) He continually had new scrapes and wounds that were never really explained which lead me to believe he must have run into a door a lot (But Doctor I swear I'm just clumsy!) and when he kissed Pearl for the first time his nose spontaneously bled (apparently it was quite a kiss.) Oh and not long into the movie you see Jack's sister patching up a blackened eye of his but we didn't know what happened. About 20 minutes later we see Jack getting into a fight with a man who punches him in the eye. AHA! Not a demonic induced injury after all. Just a demonic editor who played 52 card pickup with the film scenes.
Strike Six: You mean editing is an important job?
Finally Alex strips. And I didn't really get to see a nakey Alex. Just a little hip, oh and one of her nipples but whatever. What I took away from that particular scene was that they stripped and then did it on a rickety old dock and all I could think was that Pearl was going to get splinters in her ass. I'm kind of surprised she didn't although she might have but if so it was mentioned at the 5 minute mark of the movie due to the awesome editing and I forgot. Oh and by the way he did her after killing her dog....granted it wasn't on purpose (killing the dog) but STILL!
Strike 7 or Whatever: So, if you accidentally kill some one's dog don't tell them, just buy them a new puppy and then stick your penis in whatever hole they offer up.
But wait there's more. This movie also includes: A sister that only shows up on screen when we have to believe that Jack is a good man, a minor shoe fetish, a gun shooting vet, an armored car robbery, an old man who is into arts and crafts, an ex-wife who is farming someone else's oysters, a son who never takes off his stocking cap, a Hell's Angels type of motor boating gang (with neighborly manners), and some ending credit outdoor tub splashing.
Strike 8 Or Maybe More: With all that they still managed to make a snoozefest of a movie
