I don't have patience for the patient

My dad had knee replacement surgery last Tuesday and it's been interesting the last few days. I say interesting but really mean Oh My Fucking God Shoot Me Now! I've never had knee surgery so I don't know how much pain the patient can be in but I'm pretty sure my dad is milking it. His doctor told him that the average hospital stay is about 48 hours and some people actually leave after 36. Dad? 4 days.

When he was released on Saturday they administered his pain pills for the ride home (which was only 2 miles by the way.) During said ride apparently the meds weren't working all that well and during that 5 minute ride my dad suddenly bent over in his seat clutching his knee and said "Oh what a life I have...what a life."

Now normally I wouldn't have laughed at that but he totally said it like the Wicked Witch of the West said "What a World What a World" while she was melting. Needless to say neither my mom nor my dad were impressed with my sense of humor over the subject because I guess he wasn't really meaning to sound like a green melty bitch and when I tried to explain it...well, when you have to explain a joke it no longer is funny right? Thank goodness I was off to my high school reunion and missed his walk from the truck to the house because I had yet another inappropriate movie quote running through my head. This time from The Green Mile and I'm pretty sure neither of my parents would have appreciated me shouting "Walkin' the mile. Walkin' the mile." while my dad was trying to get into the house.

The days that have followed have been stressful for my mom because she has run up and down my dad's stairs so many times there are ruts in the wood. Dad calls the house phone from his cell phone to tell us he needs his pee mug dumped. You know what I mean right?

Pee Mug

 I asked him why he wasn't going to the bathroom that was located only about 7 feet from his bed.  He accused me of wanting him to be in pain. In his mind this is actually a viable argument. In mine it means I need to drink more Tequila.

Back to my mom. I would normally never expect her to handle all of his cell phone requests by her self except for one thing....Dad refused to wear clothes the past 4 days. I'm not talking about him refusing to wear a shirt or even pants...I'm talking about no clothes period except socks (his feet get cold I guess). I had to tell my mom that I couldn't stomach the thought of accidentally seeing my Dad's Dangler.

Today was special though. Dad was wearing underwear. Weird thing is he was wearing Tighty Whiteys. I didn't even know he owned a pair since we get him boxer briefs every year for Christmas and his birthday (yes were are those kind of gift givers.) Anyway, I ran up to ask him if there was anything I could help him with before I picked my nephew up from school this afternoon and noticed that he had his cell phone clipped to the waistband of his underwear. The mental picture is still just as funny as seeing it first hand by the way.

Me (while coming up the stairs): Dad are you dressed?
Dad: I'm decent. (ok that is a matter of opinion)
Me: (entering the room) Do you need anything before I go pick up.....
Me: Why is your cell phone attached to your underwear?
Dad: In case I fall while walking to the bathroom I can call someone for help.
At this point I'm blatantly staring at the half full pee mug
Me: Really?
Dad: (oblivious to my sarcastic question) Yes really. I'm a fall risk you know.
Me: Not if you don't get out of bed.
Dad: Go get your nephew!
Me: So Dad, yesterday when you were naked where did you clip your cell phone? 

At which point he turned the TV up to 'vibrate the floor it's so loud' and preceded to ignore me.

Just think, when he is all healed he is getting the other knee done! I'm so excited I could shit.

I Feel a Bit Like Kathy Bates in Misery

So Eric over at Opticynicism is having some issues with nature in his neck of the woods. Because of his recent problem with stalking skunks I was inspired to get a bit creative with MS Paint. Since I am the least creative person in the world I had to give in to my urge to create because I was afraid I'd never experience that particular urge again.

Not that I don't have other urges. I do. I often have the Pooping Urge but this blog is not about my pooping no matter how awesome it is. On a side note I love how my post about Eric has turned into a talk about shit. I don't think the two are really connected other than my inability to get from point A to point B without hitting points C, D, E and point 74 for good measure.

Anyhoodle, all 11 of my peeps reading this make sure you venture over to Eric's site. Money back guarantee that he will make you laugh (check is in the mail). In the mean time enjoy my Creative Paint Picture....

I call it "Opticynicism and Pepe:A Love Story"

I'm kind of hoping that my plug of his blog will overshadow the fact that I've brought stalking to a whole new level.

Mi Vida Loca

Life has been a little hectic lately. At least for me it has been. Not sure about you, but since it's all about me (or at least this blog is) I'm going to ignore those of you who may have said Amen Sister or some other you betcha acknowledgement. Hey don't be offended...like I said it's all about me.

So last Thursday evening we had some hellatious thunderstorms come through town. Short but fierce. The first wave of weather produced this...

oh and this....

Yes that is hail. Not very car friendly I must say....oh and I was not able to capture a picture of the wind but I heard it exceeded 70mph which is why this happened....

That would be a section of our tree measuring approximately 28 feet tall laying on our house. Unfortunately it didn't politely fall there but thought it would break it's long decent from the top of the tree by landing on our balcony first.

That would be the top of this tree section (which actually is about the size of a tree in itself but since our tree is gianormous this is just a tiny part of it) remember the bottom half is sitting on the ground 10 feet from the house.

Anyway, that was the first wave of  nasty. The second one cracked my windshield (fuck you Mother Nature). It's not like I don't have dents all over my little Nissan Sentra from the hail but after the first bit of crap I went out and apparently did some kind of victory end zone dance around my car thanking whomever would listen that my windows were all intact because several of my neighbors had already started tarping their cars because, well, they didn't have windows anymore. 

So my awesome 80s dance moves really pissed off the wrong deity and I've now been totally smited. Is that even a word? Who the fuck cares! My windshield looks like some inept jewel thief was practicing cutting circles in glass...My Glass! The glass I look through when trying to drive.

I would really like to be able to trade a vehicle in one of these days that isn't totally fucked up. Not that I have been planning on trading Lil' Blue or anything but I have to face facts. I'm a car maimer. Shut up spell checker I know that maimer isn't a word!

I have to wonder though if I have a huge car black cloud hanging over my head. Several (read this as meaning more than 10 years but don't mention I'm old please) years ago my very first purchase of a brand new off the showroom floor vehicle also met with an unfortunate Fuck You from Mother Nature. It was a Nissan Sentra also but don't read anything into that just yet.

Anyway, I was a proud owner of a brand new Nissan and as my 6 year loan was coming to an end (2 payments left) a downpour in mass proportions left some areas flooded and street lights not working. My poor Nissan and it's unsuspecting driver (me) ended up in 3 feet of standing water (this story is actually one for another blog post which I may do in future....oooo mysterious....not really.) Needless to say, irreparable. But never fear my insurance came through with a check for a whopping $1000. Which paid the last two payments and left me money to buy a Happy Meal.

Now what does a girl do with no transpo in a city that has the suckiest public transportation system ever? Scrape up some money to get a cheap car which unfortunately means I got a KIA. To make a long story just a little bit shorter the KIA ended up with a whole lot of hail damage too and when my insurance came around to do estimates they said "Yep that's a lot of damage. 'Bout $3400 I'd say. Here's 500 bucks." And then I was like "WHAT??? You said there is over 3 Thousand Dollars worth of damage!" And they said...."I know but that's all your car is worth...you bought a Fucking KIA."

Ok they really didn't say that but I'm pretty sure he thought it because when I pulled up I heard one of them yell "Hey guys. Get over here. You have got to see this car!" Followed by a lot of laughter. I'm 99.9%  pretty sure they weren't talking about the amount of hail damage.

I just hope that the insurance adjuster doesn't do that with Lil' Blue. But I'm down to my last 6 payments on a 6 year loan so I'm not holding my breath.

Well, I didn't really talk much about what else made my life a little hectic lately but it's almost 5am and I have to work in a few hours so I'm going to try to out wit insomnia by pretending to be sleepy and going to bed now. Pretty sure this won't work but maybe the Benadryl will.

Oh and before I leave you all, just know that this weekend I also attended my 20th high school reunion and my dad came home from the hospital after having knee replacement surgery. High School reunion super fun....dad's recovery not so much. One involved too much Tequila. The other not enough.

It's not what you think....

I spend a lot of time on Facebook. Whew...thought that would be hard to admit but it wasn't too bad. Admitting that I spend most of that time farming my cafe and cooking my crops and some other random shit on the game apps is even harder. Ok not really. I should probably be ashamed at the amount of time I spend an those stupid apps but surprisingly I don't. Anyway, this post isn't really about the amount of time I spend killing zombies and creating monsters in my yard. It's about the ridiculous ads that are on the right side of the Facebook page when you play one of the games.

See that picture? It was for an ad that popped up along the side of my Frontierville screen one day. I thought it was for a tittie bar. I got nothing against a titties. I have a pair. I'll occasionally look at someone else's titties and rate them on a scale from 1 to 10. What? Like you don't do that....don'tjudgeme.

Anyway, it wasn't an ad for a 'Gentleman's Club' it was an ad for Women's Higher Education. Seriously. The caption read "Women can earn their BS".

Now, briefly I thought maybe BS meant Bull Shit. Everyone knows when it comes to word games if you can insert a swear word into an acronym and it still makes sense you always get more points than if you don't. Obviously 'Women can earn their Bull Shit' doesn't make sense so I ended up going with Bachelor of Science. Definitely not worth as much but probably more accurate.

What kind of classes would a woman have to take to get her BS from a school that has a naked woman in a martini glass as their advertisement? Slap and Tickle 101? The Advanced History of Jagger Bombs? Someday I hope to earn my BS in picking up dollar bills with my butt.

I Hate Lois Lane

Ok maybe that is a bit harsh but she certainly garners at least a handful of dislike and a frowny face. How can she swear to be in love with a man and not recognize him with glasses? Granted, no one in Metropolis connected Clark Kent with Superman but that's not the point. It does make you wonder if the entire city was full of SPEDs. They probably wouldn't see Joe Blow walking down the street in cammies either...you know because he is camouflaged...right? HAHAHAHA...whatever.

Perhaps it's the hair part that throws everyone off...

You do know I am talking about the original 1978 Superman right? Not an unoriginal remake and certainly not a piece of shit sequel with Richard Prior or Super Powerful Nuclear Men .

No Nuclear Man in this one!

Without taking this towards middle aged single living bitterness I would just like to point out that for generations men have fallen for cute idiots. Heck, if The Man of Steel can do it how much hope does the average schmuck really have?

Of course the average everyday schmuck doesn't look like this....

So, is it really Lois Lane's fault that Kal-El put her on a super high pedestal? I'm going to say yes. I am pretty sure behind the scenes she was giving him toe curling hummers. Can't prove it of course but she didn't look as if she really cooked so if she couldn't win him through his stomach with some down home cookin' she had to use the other tried and true way. Everyone knows that the way to a man's heart is through his balls.

Sigh, if only a man would stop the world and turn back time for me....is that edging towards bitterness? It probably is. I personally wouldn't expect a man to save me by messing with the natural order of time and space or give up his über cool powers to be with me either. What I want is a normal guy (who looks like Superman)(just kidding)(not really) who likes little dogs who hate all persons but me, who doesn't mind if our place has more dust bunnies than air molecules, who doesn't care if I squeeze the toothpaste from the middle, who knows my food can't touch each other on my plate, who will let me drive everywhere because I'm too controlling to be a passenger, who thinks my anal OCD-type ways are cute, who knows airplanes are fast but agrees with my 'getting there is half the fun' theory and jumps into the passenger seat for hours on end to get to our vacation destination, who just says "you're adorable" when I bring another book home even though he is 99.9% sure I already own it, who hands me the remote control and says "Whatever you want to watch is fine with me.", and agrees that Hair Bands were unjustly snuffed out by the Evil Grunge Movement way before their time. Is that too much to ask?