Friday, March 18, 2011

Bill Collectors...or maybe Satan

So, yes, occasionally I do get behind on certain bills. It happens. It's a guarantee of life. You know sometime during your life you will be guaranteed to.....

A) Buy something from Walmart because it looks like an Uh-Mayzing item that you can't live without only to realize once you get home you already have one that you've had for months still in it's packaging.
B) Start your period with no emergency tampons (you know the kind that have been running around in the bottom of your purse for so long the wrapper fell off awhile back but you never noticed) because you used your last emergency one a week ago for a fucking false start.
C) Miss a payment for a bill that you happen to owe to a company that believes calling as often as the law allows everyday is the best way to conduct their business.

A and B do happen and have happened but most recently it was C that annoyed the hell out of me.

The other night while sitting down with the fam for a late meal the company that holds my car note was nice enough to call me and remind me that to avoid late charges I should pay my bill. This is how the conversation went....

Me: {while chewing rather obnoxiously on some taco bell mystery meat} Hello?

Satan: Yes, is this The Pretty Pretty Princess? {ok Satan really didn't call me The Pretty Pretty Princess but it's my story and tonight that is who I want to be}

Me: Yes it is.

Satan: Ma'am {calling me Ma'am is certainly the way to get in my good graces....not so much} I'm just calling tonight because your payment for an arm and a leg was due on Saturday and we {within the pits of Hell} have yet to receive it. Is this a good time?

Me: I'm in the middle of dinner. My payment was due on Saturday?

Satan: Yes on Saturday.

Me: It's Thursday. I'm not even out of the 10 day grace period why are you calling me when it is only 5 days late.

Satan: Ma'am {because I reeeeeeeally love being called Ma'am the ruler of the underworld continues to use it} we can and do start calling if your payment is one day late.

Me: Isn't that a little extreme? But anyway, didn't I recently send a big toe in?

Satan: Yes Ma'am, we received the big toe last month but now the arm and the leg are due. How will you be making your payment tonight?

Me: Well, I'd make it over the phone but you charge me an outrageous fee to do that so I will make my payment online tomorrow.

Satan: I see. So you will go to the website and make your payment for one leg and one arm? {didn't realize hell was so high tech but I suppose that even the Prince of Darkness needs Facebook}

Me: No, I'm going to go to my bank website and do a bill pay.

Satan: Well, Ma'am.....if you do it that way I cannot update the account because there won't be a conformation number to add to your account.

Me: And?

Satan: I cannot stop the phone calls until I have a confirmation number in the system.

Me: Fine what are my options? Can you waive the over the phone payment fee?

Satan: I don't have that authority. {I bet only Mrs. Satan has that kind of pull}

Me: Well I don't think I should pay extra just to get these phone calls to stop. What else do you suggest?

Satan: You could come in to a local branch and make a payment. {now we're talkin'}

Me: Where is the local branch?

Satan: Oh, well, that's odd...it looks like most of them have closed down within a 20 mile radius of your zip code but you are in luck there is a branch at the airport.

Me: At the AirPORT???? I don't want to pay any additional money to do this over the phone for a bill that is still in it's grace period to stop your phone calls. What makes you think I will pay for airport parking????? Never mind. I think I'll just mail in the payment instead. Talk to you tomorrow.

Satan: Have a nice night.

True Story.....mostly.

2 comments:

  1. I can't really say that #1 or #2 have ever happened to me BUT, hell yes on #3. I've totally gotten calls from Satan.

    One time my car people fucked up and did some weird stuff with my money and applied someone else's money to my account and blah blah THEIR FAULT. Then, they wanted to call me all, "where's your money?" and it made me want to punch babies.

    The worst part is that whole, "so you pinky promise to pay tomorrow," thing. UGH.

    Yep. It happens.

    :)
    Lorraine

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  2. Yep Satan totally sucks and messes with your shit and then you have to fix it. Beware of #2 though, seriously. Makeshift toilet paper pads suck worse than Satan.

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