Spent some quality time with my family tonight and regrettably it will forever be with me and I can't scrub it from my memory. I now have the first entry onto my "Shit My Dad Says....(that I wish he would never say again)" list.
Didn't know I had one of those did you? I didn't really need one up until tonight. I just blew off the crap that usually comes out of my dads mouth as random ramblings from a man too settled into negativity and inappropriateness.
Tonight's enlightenment stems from it being my dad's birthday tomorrow. As a reminder of sorts he asked my sister and I tonight if we were going to pool our money together and get him a hooker.
Really Dad? We aren't that kind of family! It isn't like we a sit around drinking beer together, elbowing each other during the game when the cheerleaders start jumping around, saying "Look at the jugs on that one Pops! I could motorboat the shit out of those!".
For one thing I'm not a son. I'm not even a butchy lesbian that my dad introduces as Bill his almost son. Nope. I'm one of his girls that he helped produce 30 odd years ago that played with Barbies and loves the color pink. XX Chromosomes Dad....not XY. Oh, and my mom and him are MARRIED.
Anyway, after his hooker question my sister (who apparently shares some sort of weird inappropriate verbal spewage gene with him) (not like my brand of verbal spewage which is witty and often laugh inducing if I do say so myself) spouts off paraphrasing a Bloodhound Gang song. "It ain't Mom's job to fuck you on your birthday." Which actually doesn't even make any sense because if Mom was fucking him he wouldn't need a hooker now would he? AAAAACK!!!!!!
That was me after my sister started talking. It would have been me as soon as my dad started talking but I've been sick lately and my reflexes are slightly off. Usually I have cat like reflexes and stealth like a ninja. True story.
There are multiple words and phrases that should never associate with certain people in my life. I won't get into all of them but know that #1 is Sex + Dad and/or Mom. I am happy to live in lala-land where I just know the Stork lovingly left me in my mom and dad's living room and a year and a half later during a Gypsy Hazing event my sister was left on their doorstep. (What? You thought you were either born a Gypsy or not huh? Nope. It's more of a Fraternity + Sorority. A Fratority? They have some really kick ass parties but only if you can find them.)
So yeah. I never want to hear my dad mention sex. Ever.
Being a very visual person I end up with mental movies going on in my head. So if you mention the most disgusting thing you came across today in detail I will see it in my head. I don't want one of my dad doing.....I can't even finish that. I got a little urpy just typing it that far.
As far as the Bloodhound Gang goes, their songs really crack me up even the one my sister referenced but I would have let my dad's comment just die a quick and natural death whereas my sister doesn't have the ability to let shit lay where ever it falls.
But anyway, for those of you out there who really aren't that familiar with the group (and no. knowing their song Bad Touch doesn't make you an expert.) here is a Youtube video. The song is called No Hard Feelings....