1 Friday Night + 2 Old Bitches = WTF Random Shit

I'm old. Seriously. I don't know when it happened but one day I realized I am totally ancient because I work with people I could have given birth to (had a been a slutty 7th grader) and to top it all off I'd totally go Mrs. Robinson with because young men today are getting hotter. Double Seriously. So I'm old and a little creepy.




Want some candy little boy?

 What that has to do with Friday night I have no idea but it does clue you in on at least one of the old bitches from my title. The other one would be my younger sister. Younger by less than two years so she totally qualifies as an old bitch too but I don't think she could be the subject of an old Simon and Garfunkel song because she works at Walmart and they don't hire hotties (or people with teeth.)

So, what do two old, single women do on a Friday night?  We go see the movie Hall Pass which I thought was super funny by the way then go home only to sit outside the house in the car playing name that tune on the iPod. Not only are we old, we are really loosery too. Oh yeah, we were home by 10:30pm too.

What happened to me? I used to be semi-cool and stayed out at least until midnight. Now I'm a thirtysomething homebody that spends my time searching for random shit on google. By the way, when you google "Random Shit" you end up with this website RandomShit where you click the big black button (that turns red)and some random shit pulls up on the site. My first attempt at it brought up an interesting advertisement poster that was in the design of 1940ish military that warned that the weight of history in book form can be a bad thing and to avoid injury you should give your books to the book burning cause. Which is really weird because I just had a conversation about book burning earlier tonight. 

My second click at Randomshit.com resulted in seeing a totally fucked up map of the world called "The World According to San Francisco" which is seriously fucking hilarious. You can't get back to anything you find on random even if you copy and paste the URL because you will end up at yet another random shit place but I found the map itself here ------ The World According to San Francisco I spent over half an hour staring at that map. I particularly like that Canada is called America's Hat, Mexico is called Better Burritos, and most of South America is called Cocaine.

And so my younger hipper friends I leave you with a cool Random site, an interesting if not politically incorrect map and this.....




And here's to you, Mrs. Robinson,



Jesus loves you more than you will know.


God bless you, please Mrs. Robinson.


Heaven holds a place for those who pray,


Hey, hey, hey

Bill Collectors...or maybe Satan

So, yes, occasionally I do get behind on certain bills. It happens. It's a guarantee of life. You know sometime during your life you will be guaranteed to.....

A) Buy something from Walmart because it looks like an Uh-Mayzing item that you can't live without only to realize once you get home you already have one that you've had for months still in it's packaging.
B) Start your period with no emergency tampons (you know the kind that have been running around in the bottom of your purse for so long the wrapper fell off awhile back but you never noticed) because you used your last emergency one a week ago for a fucking false start.
C) Miss a payment for a bill that you happen to owe to a company that believes calling as often as the law allows everyday is the best way to conduct their business.

A and B do happen and have happened but most recently it was C that annoyed the hell out of me.

The other night while sitting down with the fam for a late meal the company that holds my car note was nice enough to call me and remind me that to avoid late charges I should pay my bill. This is how the conversation went....

Me: {while chewing rather obnoxiously on some taco bell mystery meat} Hello?

Satan: Yes, is this The Pretty Pretty Princess? {ok Satan really didn't call me The Pretty Pretty Princess but it's my story and tonight that is who I want to be}

Me: Yes it is.

Satan: Ma'am {calling me Ma'am is certainly the way to get in my good graces....not so much} I'm just calling tonight because your payment for an arm and a leg was due on Saturday and we {within the pits of Hell} have yet to receive it. Is this a good time?

Me: I'm in the middle of dinner. My payment was due on Saturday?

Satan: Yes on Saturday.

Me: It's Thursday. I'm not even out of the 10 day grace period why are you calling me when it is only 5 days late.

Satan: Ma'am {because I reeeeeeeally love being called Ma'am the ruler of the underworld continues to use it} we can and do start calling if your payment is one day late.

Me: Isn't that a little extreme? But anyway, didn't I recently send a big toe in?

Satan: Yes Ma'am, we received the big toe last month but now the arm and the leg are due. How will you be making your payment tonight?

Me: Well, I'd make it over the phone but you charge me an outrageous fee to do that so I will make my payment online tomorrow.

Satan: I see. So you will go to the website and make your payment for one leg and one arm? {didn't realize hell was so high tech but I suppose that even the Prince of Darkness needs Facebook}

Me: No, I'm going to go to my bank website and do a bill pay.

Satan: Well, Ma'am.....if you do it that way I cannot update the account because there won't be a conformation number to add to your account.

Me: And?

Satan: I cannot stop the phone calls until I have a confirmation number in the system.

Me: Fine what are my options? Can you waive the over the phone payment fee?

Satan: I don't have that authority. {I bet only Mrs. Satan has that kind of pull}

Me: Well I don't think I should pay extra just to get these phone calls to stop. What else do you suggest?

Satan: You could come in to a local branch and make a payment. {now we're talkin'}

Me: Where is the local branch?

Satan: Oh, well, that's odd...it looks like most of them have closed down within a 20 mile radius of your zip code but you are in luck there is a branch at the airport.

Me: At the AirPORT???? I don't want to pay any additional money to do this over the phone for a bill that is still in it's grace period to stop your phone calls. What makes you think I will pay for airport parking????? Never mind. I think I'll just mail in the payment instead. Talk to you tomorrow.

Satan: Have a nice night.

True Story.....mostly.

The Evils of Mexico

A few days ago MSN.com had this little gem of an article basically saying that you should not go to Mexico for spring break because you will die. Seriously, it did. Go to Mexico and Die article click and see for yourself. Or not. For those of you who are too lazy to go there I will give you the highlights.....

So, here is the header. I've outlined a couple things that I found very important while reading this message. First: You should Avoid Mexico...got it. Second: If You don't go You will miss out on something Marvelous....dammit even death cannot stop the tempting tease of Tijuana.

Next is part of the article that I also found educational....

So, if You stay out of Mexico You will not die during the biggest alcohol consumption party-gras (did you know that Spring Break coincides with Mardi gras this year?) of your young life. Oh and this public service announcement was brought to us due to the unfortunate demise of 2 people in or around Mexico over the past 5 months.

I think what I appreciated most about this warning was the fantabulous photos that were attached to the bottom of the article displaying the dregs of humanity south of the border.....By the way, the captions are their own....True Story.

Azure Cortez

Tempting Tulum

Cool Cancun



Mexico Magic



Luxury in Puerto Vallarta